5/16/17

For those of you who have read some of my Innocence Lost blog, you will understand more about the other person in this dream, Sam.  For the rest of you, Sam is a man that I was in a relationship with for four and a half years where I was sexually and psychologically abused.  He comes up in my dreams a lot, including the one I had last night.

I was hanging out at my parents house when Sam came over.  We were getting along like we used to when we were dating: laughing, joking, wrestling, and having a good time.  Until suddenly, my mind sprung to my present thoughts.  I was reminded of all the terrible ways he treated me and how our relationship had ended.  I couldn’t look at him.  I couldn’t speak to him.  Overcome by a wave of memories and confusion, all I could do was curl into a ball and stare at the ground.

Sam knew what had happened.  He knew that everything had come back to me and I hated him.  Taking a seat next to me, he spoke in a soft, unbiased way:

Sam, frowning: “I am sorry for everything.  We were having a good time again; why can’t we go back to that?”

Me: “Because you hurt me, Sam.  You took advantage of me, and I can’t just forget that.  We can’t just be friends again, like nothing ever happened.”

Sam: “You loved me.”

Me: “Maybe.”

Sam: “You could break up with Michael.  We could get married instead.”

My eyes lit up: “No…”

I start to smile: “I really love Michael.  He’s just… We’re just perfect for each other.  I’ve never been so happy as I am with him.”

Sam forces a smile, and the dream ends.

This was an interested Sam-related dream because rarely do they end with me feeling happy.  Typically, I wake up in a panic and am haunted by thoughts and memories of him for the rest of the day.  With this dream, it made me feel some resolution.  It almost made me want to call him up or text him to see how he’s doing.  Almost.  In reality, I know that the conversation wouldn’t go as well as the one in my dream.