5/17/17

A little backstory first: I used to have a big crush on one of my old coworkers (we’ll call him Travis).  The crush started a few years ago when we both used to work there and before I started dating my fiance, Michael.  Although I love Michael and would never leave him for anyone else, I think a little spark of the crush still remains, because Travis tends to show up in my dreams now and again. We’ll call the other character in this dream Charlie.  He was a classmate of mine growing up, and in this dream, I guess there was a little bit of a love interested between me and Charlie (there never was in real life).  Brenda was my best friend in grade school and junior high, but we had a falling out in high school.  In this dream, it seemed like we were good friends again.

The dream began with Charlie and I waiting for an elevator (there were two) at my past workplace.  We made light conversation, but it was awkward.  It seemed like we were both holding something back.

Both of the elevators arrived at the same time.  Charlie went to the one on the left while I entered the door on the right.  As soon as I was in the elevator, I sat down, without pressing any buttons for the floor I needed to reach.  With my knees bent, I stared at my feet while the doors began to close.  Feelings of longing and sorrow filled my head.

Just before the doors closed, a hand reached in and stopped them.  My coworker, Travis, stood before me.

Travis: “So what’s going on between you and that other guy?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Travis with a slight smirk: “Really? It didn’t look like ‘nothing.'”

Me: “Well, him and Brenda are kind of together now, so, yeah. Nothing.”

As he noticed I was upset by the situation, the smirk left his face.  He knelt on one knee in front of me and said: “Oh, I’m… sorry to hear that.”

When I looked up, I was surprised to see him looking back at me with eyes that were actually filled with empathy and sincerity.  He leaned forward.  With one hand next to me on the elevator floor and the other softly supporting the back of my head, he kissed me.

The kiss was the perfect blend of soft enough to make me melt and forceful enough to show the passion he felt.  It seemed to last for ages, but I didn’t want it to end.  When our lips finally parted, we stared each other in the eye, not knowing what to do next.

5/16/17

For those of you who have read some of my Innocence Lost blog, you will understand more about the other person in this dream, Sam.  For the rest of you, Sam is a man that I was in a relationship with for four and a half years where I was sexually and psychologically abused.  He comes up in my dreams a lot, including the one I had last night.

I was hanging out at my parents house when Sam came over.  We were getting along like we used to when we were dating: laughing, joking, wrestling, and having a good time.  Until suddenly, my mind sprung to my present thoughts.  I was reminded of all the terrible ways he treated me and how our relationship had ended.  I couldn’t look at him.  I couldn’t speak to him.  Overcome by a wave of memories and confusion, all I could do was curl into a ball and stare at the ground.

Sam knew what had happened.  He knew that everything had come back to me and I hated him.  Taking a seat next to me, he spoke in a soft, unbiased way:

Sam, frowning: “I am sorry for everything.  We were having a good time again; why can’t we go back to that?”

Me: “Because you hurt me, Sam.  You took advantage of me, and I can’t just forget that.  We can’t just be friends again, like nothing ever happened.”

Sam: “You loved me.”

Me: “Maybe.”

Sam: “You could break up with Michael.  We could get married instead.”

My eyes lit up: “No…”

I start to smile: “I really love Michael.  He’s just… We’re just perfect for each other.  I’ve never been so happy as I am with him.”

Sam forces a smile, and the dream ends.

This was an interested Sam-related dream because rarely do they end with me feeling happy.  Typically, I wake up in a panic and am haunted by thoughts and memories of him for the rest of the day.  With this dream, it made me feel some resolution.  It almost made me want to call him up or text him to see how he’s doing.  Almost.  In reality, I know that the conversation wouldn’t go as well as the one in my dream.